You (Literally) Drive Me Crazy
I have spent a few weeks invaded by an irrational fear and decided that talking about “it” would be an excellent way to make it rational or at least make me feel that I’m probably not completely crazy (“it”, I’m almost as scared as if I was going to talk about Pennywise, the famous clown who ruined the possible love that anyone could feel for a clown).
Without intending to open a Pandora’s box, everything started (according to me, since this event is where I can trace the origin of my Pennywise) on June the 8th, 2012 at 12:30 approximately when I had a car accident (no alcohol, no cell phone, an accident by definition) and for obvious reasons my life changed in many ways. I do not intend to really talk about the accident itself, but I have to mention it to be able to present the antecedent.
I had a car accident and you know what follows next, ambulances, hospital, surgeries, physiotherapy, orthopedic equipment, Robotina´s look (from The Jetsons), psychologists, family support, friends in my house, gifts, expressions of affection, mental processes, physical changes, my family feeding me, bathing me, dressing me, loneliness, guilt, pity, gratitude, love, happiness, in short, endless mixed feelings that invade my body until finally with the passage of time “I recovered.”
But when do you really recover? Does a doctor tell you? When they remove the last stitches? When they remove the collar? When do you really recover?
For me the physical was the least, it was something that I suffered at the time, and yes, it was hard. I had certain surgeries and physically I began to improve little by little (which makes me feel infinitely grateful), but what I come to talk about is an irrational fear that invades me when I’m inside a car and I hear it go on. At this moment Monica who controls her instincts, emotions and reactions disappears and becomes a person with extreme alertness, panic, anxiety, fear, in a few words the car is for me what the potion was for Dr. Jekyll without the criminal, or evil, but an incredible transformation.
I listen as a car ignites, my stomach churns, I fasten my seat belt and prepare myself for what in my mind is the last journey of my life, yes it is true, I am invaded by a thought of “I hope not to die” that I can not control, my mind leads me to feel that the road is a war field where cars are missiles, speed is a bomb, the driver is my enemy, and I am a hostage with no chance to defend myself and yes I go straight to my death (I understand that this happens in wars when your enemy catches you, you die, after a good beating, you die).
It sounds illogical, doesn´t it? Who is unable to control their senses in this way? Well as they say “I’m guilty, guilty as charged”. Because that’s exactly what happens to me, I scream “stop”, “watch out for the trailer”, “there’s that car”, “be careful with that” accompanied by crying, pleas, frights, sometimes even vomit and so on until I get to my destiny and I feel so exhausted that it takes me days to recover physically and mentally. And I do not want to talk about the effect I have on the driver, who instead of feeling safe driving has a hysterical passenger narrating in an altered way all that she finds in her way, but hey, I’ll invite some of my “enemies” to talk of what I make them feel, but this time it’s about me.
Irrational fear? Sounds spooky. I swear that when I analyze it with my feet on the pavement I can realize how exaggerated, annoying or dangerous I can be, I plan new methods to feel calm, I say things like “I promise to be calmer on the next trip”, “I promise to go to therapy or take a pill to sleep next time”, in short, promises that are NEVER fulfilled because, I repeat, I take the potion and Mr. Hyde appears and there you lose me.
I can not conceive the idea of taking a pill, thinking that something may happen and that I am asleep, or of having an accident for not being alert on the road shouting everything I see that I consider a danger, no matter who is driving, it terrifies me to have to trust my life to someone else. So if my drivers are reading this, I’m sorry, I’m scared, I do not want you to know that monster inside me but I have no choice, that monster makes me feel somehow “protected” and “safe”.
You’re probably thinking that this sounds very exaggerated and maybe that’s the way it is, I do not wish this horrible feeling to anyone, because it’s horrible to have no control over myself. How tedious, right? get on a car and know that according to the time of travel a short or long discussion is approaching. Of course this does not happen to me every day, this monster visits me at seasons, sometimes short, sometimes long but always visits me, it can be on a tour less than 500 meters from my house or a trip of 4 – 7 hours , so believe me it’s exhausting.
I have other irrational fears like the spiders (which I enjoy seeing through a screen but never live), being bitten by a shark (animal that I also love in a documentary or aquarium), in general being bitten by any animal species, fear to the infinite depth of the sea and to be unable to see what is happening underneath me, to the nightmares that I have had for many years, that as in the movie “A Nightmare on Elm Street”, they are always on the verge of being my reality and it has been hard for me to differentiate, but all of the above are usually presented privately, personally, even many times only in my mind, but none as public and deadly as my fear of a moving vehicle and speed.
But I guess we all have an irrational fear of something, it can be as simple as being afraid of a dog or as deep as the fear of loneliness or death, none should be underestimated because once they invade us they take everything from us and they hide us in the background to be able to manifest. So in despite of being a lover of the cartoon “Wacky races” or the bumper cars at the fair, if you are considering inviting me to the go karts, or being a co-pilot of a rally, or whatever it has to do with a vehicle to high speed you can save it until further notice because I’m not ready (trying to make a joke).
So this week the invitation is really for me (and of course anyone who is in a similar situation and has to face some fear), I promise to really look for some kind of help, an alternative in quantum medicine, exorcism, any option that helps me to stop crossing my fingers when I get into a car wishing not to die, I hope this is not a promise of those I do when I’m comfortably seated in a chair that does not move and I feel safe and brave, if someone is reading this and has some recommendation they are always welcome, but do not judge me, we all have our potion, our other side, our dark side of the moon.
Ahí nos vemos.
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