But I’m (Not) A Creep

 In Americanoizing

I wanted to start this 2018 being more honest with myself, knowing my inner demons and then thinking that knowing their faces I can then face them in the best way, so I decided to share a very personal part of myself with you.

I do not pretend that this article is a super dark one or that you think that while I write it I am crying with an attack of anxiety, although it is true that the rhythm of my heart began to accelerate and my neck and back began to numb.

Once our fears come out, they are public knowledge and thinking that someone is going to enter the deepest part of my being makes me feel completely vulnerable, but I think it is the only way to expel them and release the pressure that I feel in my chest .

After a lot of therapy I found one of my most fearsome panics, and like many other people, it turns out that I am afraid of abandonment. It is strange to think of the word abandonment without having thoughts like I did not receive enough attention in my childhood, but it is not exactly the case.

I am still looking for the origin of this fear, but what I do know is its terrible consequences.

Fearing that someone leaves you is something BIG, not only has to do with the physical action of someone leaving you if not the reasons why, and are the ones that really terrify me.

Will I be interesting enough? I’m a fun person? Am I an easy person to love? And so an infinite list of questions where I start looking for answers in an obsessive way so that I can guarantee whether or not it is possible for someone to abandon me.

It is not easy to deal with this fear, especially when people I have loved deeply have “abandoned” me, confirming my theory and making me believe that in fact I am an easy being to overcome.

I remember the analogy in Shrek’s film about how he is like an onion, with layers and layers until you get to the center. Well, mine is a bit confusing, on the one hand I’m an onion and yes to know me there are really layers and layers, because not everything is what it seems (I’m not a magic trick either, although I like to think, as to all, that we have some magic in us). But on the other hand I am like a glass box, I think it is easy to know what is happening inside me. (This is a picture of me being obviously happy).

I am terrified that somebody can know the things that affect me, my fears, panics, anxieties and that they can use them to hurt me. I hate to think that I am not good enough for someone, that eventually the more they know me, they will know all my weaknesses and think that I am no longer the special woman they thought I was. Let’s be honest, everyone in a greater or lesser degree seeks acceptance, belonged, love someone and someone loves us and the minimum thought that does not happen to me panics.

Luckily, I currently share my life with someone I love infinitely and who loves me back, and it is difficult to live with those mental fears being with someone because the mind is treacherous, and loves to fill me with thoughts that generate a battle in my mind. Imagine having horrible dreams where the person you love leaves you, and wake up and see that it is false but inside you feel abandoned for a few minutes in which your reality and your fiction are in balance.

Because the problem of all this is that it happens in the mind, to think about the infinite causes why your friends haven’t included you for something, to go around and around the fact of whether your boyfriend is happy with you or not, to live as in another dimension (for seasons because it is not everyday) struggling to reach my true dimension (like the upside down of Stranger Things).

Fortunately, I took cognitive behavioral therapy for a while. For those who have not heard of it, without the dictionary definition, if not what I experienced, is a therapy in which you learn different strategies, first you learn to identify the true “facts” separating them from the interpretation that you give them, that is to say the fact itself, for example the wall is white and not because you were angry it became red. After you have mastered this strategy, you move on to the next one, which is to identify how the “fact” makes you feel, if it made you feel threatened, sad, desperate, happy, etc … and finally the physical effect of the “fact” on your body. Personally some things that happen to me directly impact my stomach, sometimes I can even vomit, feel nauseous, other times they only cause me to cry and other times they have no consequence at all.

What I want to achieve with this article is to share with you that I started a personal project that consists, contradictorily, of making it “general”. Normalize my fears and break the taboo I have towards them. To see them as something that happens in me but that does not define me at all. Understand that if someone who loves me does not take me into account for something it is not because they are about to leave me, that a bad dream about my boyfriend does not represent the reality that I live with him, and so on continuously until my mind can give a correct Meaning this famous “fact” and then have a more “normal” life.

My invitation to all is first to invite you – forgive the redundancy – to this process of investigating in the depths of your person, find your strengths and weaknesses and use them to your advantage, never feel at a disadvantage about something or someone. And specifically I invite you that if you are in a situation where you feel that the upside down is more real than the reality, look for help. Some people find therapies useful, others just need long talks with friends, others only exercise, meditate or practice yoga, but look for that which makes you return to where the ground feels firm and the heart does not throb as if we were galloping.

Talking about our fears empowers us, accepting and giving each fear a name normalizes them and yes, we can work with the “normal”.

Ahí nos vemos!

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