Don´t pretend that you know me (Cause I don´t even know myself)
“What the hell happened to my body?” is the question that I have been asking for a few months, not that I had a Victoria’s Secret angel body, but for some months I feel in the body of a stranger. Probably people who know me and know that I am a thin person are thinking how can you complain? But yes, we all have certain “complexes” with our body and we should all have the right to talk about them.
It all started a few months ago, when I discovered in the mirror some unevenness in the lower part of my ass, I was shocked, my mind began to bomb me with infinite questions like, why did this happen to me? How evident is it? How do I take it off?
I immediately looked for remedies I could use to have “smooth” skin without textures again. There were endless remedies for cellulite, millions of products to anoint me in the “affected area”. I was shocked and filled with an infinite insecurity because sadly society has always “demonized” cellulite in some way, and I mistakenly believed that my legs will never look like that, and that’s when I understood that we can all be “victims” of what is considered at that moment, as one participant in the America’s next top model show said, “a terrible deformity”.
I have talked with different friends about this, some said they were embarrassed to take off the towel when they went to the beach, or to wear small shorts or to be in a bathing suit with more people. So I began to observe myself and feel identified, just at that time a photo of Kim Kardashian on the beach with a huge ass full of cellulite was published, I thought to myself “Kim Kardashian is famous, has cellulitits, is human, this should not be so bad “, but later they published videos of her crying explaining that that atrocity was not her body, that the images had been altered, etc … and I think “God, it must be really bad to have cellulite”.
I began observing my body obsessively and try to notice what else had changed, my face of course has acne spots, scars, freckles, eye wrinkles (which I love because they come out when I smile). My hair started to fall more and is not the same as when I was 20 years old, the side of my arms have what in Mexico we call “guajolotes”, my boobs (although small) have some effect of gravity, my abs are not the same, and my ass apparently has the mission to store all the food that enters my body, I continued to observe myself almost judging as if all the changes I saw were negative and it was my fault. So I started to despair, to entertain myself I got into instagram and was much worse, all the people I knew published photos of them exercising, eating well, publishing recipes of their amazing and healthy breakfast, chia puddings, avocado toasts, people in yoga, people climbing, spinning in the dark , barre lessons, everyone participating in triathlons, anyway, doing everything which obviously I was not doing. So of course I stopped focusing on the people I know and went to the distant world of celebrities, just to drive me crazier. Perfect bodies like @GigiHadid, @Emrata, @KendallJenner and all the famous ones that make us obsess about them. I felt much worse than when I was looking in the mirror. I thought “I could never see myself like this,” and felt an enormous sense of insecurity and terror.
It’s funny because throughout our life we developed different complexes, mine in particular was that I was really thin, I felt very bony, my breasts were small, I felt disproportionate, I felt that the clothes did not look good, I hid the bones of my shoulders with my hair and I was terrified to be in a bathing suit because my back was so bony that I felt Golum of the Lord of the Rings. The dangerous thing is that all these complexes to which we give power are determining the appreciation we have of ourselves, how we dress even how we move and then when someone compliments you and says “You look very skinny” your mind transforms to a criticism and then begins the cycle of judging yourself. And now I found myself thinking completely the opposite of my body, I felt swollen, big, a little “fat”, flaccid, I can almost tell you that I was wishing to be the bony me in front of the mirror.
So, there I was, twisting myself to find how my body would look good, my boyfriend who seems to have been looking at me for minutes asks me “what are you doing?” (since I had been about 10 minutes changing posture in front of the mirror to analyze me) with nerves I answered “nothing”, and grabbed my stomach like I wanted to hide it. Of course after almost 4 years together he knows me and just as by magic he says “you are the most beautiful woman in the world”.
In that moment I turned my face to ignore him, with a grimace disguised as a smile, and a feeling of sadness invaded my body. I had not been able to wear jeans for weeks because they did not go beyond my thighs, and those who go up, it seems that their mission is to limit the movement of my body, suffocate me, prevent me from eating and almost cause a gangrene in my ass.. I’ve been wearing long dresses, loose pants, mom’s shorts because that’s the only thing that fits me 100% and let me have movements like a normal person.
To be honest, all this has been influencing my desire to go out, to go swimming, to buy clothes, etc….
On weekends I wear my pijamas until the moment I get out of the house and it is not that I am depressed or anything like that, but I felt that I had lost that security of wearing micro-skirts or dresses or even putting on a bikini and sunbathing, when I look in the mirror I can only see a strange ass followed by even stranger legs, and an inflated belly as if caring for a baby.
I was thinking about my last acne remedy that I bought although I do believe that it has worked a bit (I do not think any of this really works, but for some days the acne disappears and we feel that we recover some beauty again), I understood that was me, a person who one hand is becoming older but on the other hand her skin reminds her that she was a teenager and there is nothing to do about it more than accept it.
“Accept it” is a phrase with a lot of responsibility, it has to do with loving the way you are. I felt like when you have to do a summary of a book you did not read, wondering “what is it about?” I started like everyone starts when looking for something, typing in the Google bar “acceptance” and after much reading and finding people with incredible messages I came to a conclusion about love. I love my partner, I know his flaws and his qualities and the only thing I have to offer is infinite love and loyalty, I defend him when I have to, I accept his way of being and thinking, and while I started with all this reflection I I said to myself, why not see self-love as I see the love I have for my partner? Secretely I made a list of (physical) things that I did not like about me, I criticized myself as I thought my worst enemy will, and then I wrote on the other side the things I did like about myself. Honestly I found this column a lot harder than I think (of course at the time I was hoping to have the body of any famous one), so that made it even more complicated. After hours of literally watching myself in the mirror and seeing photos of myself I was able to finish my list.
I felt I could relax and breathe (as opposed to what Kate Winslet felt on Titanic when her mom tightens her corset), I had nothing wrong, it is true that I should start to do some exercise to feel good and strong physically and emotionally and clearly that I should take care of what I eat to avoid health problems (lately I suffer from colitis and bestial gastritis), but my global “I” was fine. I accepted that it is not time to wear jeans, probably when I deflate a little or get my body to adjust I will be able to wear my favorite jeans, I accepted that there is nothing wrong with having some stretch marks because it is normal for the body to change and that change leaves marks on the body, I accepted that I will never be a C cup and that my face will have marks.
My body is missing many changes, pregnancy, aging, life itself, so instead of worrying I want to start doing something healthy, that motivates me, I hate gymnasiums so the challenge is to find an activity that I like, that activate me and I can enjoy it in a healthy way. Discover how I can have a better diet, what products benefit my body, what clothes fit well and accept how I look and be happy with that.
As every Wednesday, I have an invitation for you, if you are in that stage of your life in which you spend hours analyzing yourself, take a moment and also analyze what you like about you, empower yourself by saying “I love my legs” or “I love my smile”, make a list and read it every day, little by little, as it happened to me, the bad things of that list will really pass into the background and stop being an obsession. I invite you not to destructively criticize yourself and to love yourself as you love your family, friends or partner. I want to invite you to, if you are like me and spend hours complaining about how your body has changed, do something to change it, go for a walk, go swimming, join a gym or some class, it is trendy to be fit so there is infinite options to move the body either outside or inside your house.
I was thinking how cool it would be that the writers I like make audiobooks and then spend less time watching a screen, which is my excuse for not moving, “reading”, and then listen to them while I enjoy some activity that change my now fixed posture of sitting. So without excuses, this week will be the week in which I can fulfill my commitment, take care of myself, activate myself, accept myself, love myself, do things I enjoy doing, maybe be a bit selfish and look for strategies to focus on me a little without neglecting what surrounds me, in conclusion analyze me, but analyze me for good, being fair with myself. (Get inspired by Meghan Trainor “All About That bass”)
“To love yourself is the beginning of a lifelong romance” – Oscar Wilde
Ahí nos vemos.
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