All my loving (from México)
Whenever I tell the story of how my relationship with my boyfriend began, it seems that I’m talking about a subject as complicated as some law of Newton. And yes it was quite complicated in those moments, that’s why I decided to share my experience in a long distance relationship.
For those who already know me or for those who today decided to meet me here is my soap opera, not that it was a story like the one we saw in “A lot like love” or as strange as “The lake house”, if not something more like “Going the distance” (yes I seem obsessed with long distance love movies but believe me, I needed to feel accompanied and understood).
Our relationship began (among millions of long stories) when I had just moved to Mexico City and ended up working as a waitress in his restaurant (the story of how I ended up there is complicated so I’ll tell you later), the point is that my boyfriend was the chef and I the waitress, and yes it was quite fun.
We quickly became the dynamic duo, it was one of those relationships in which you complete sentences, you laugh stupidly, and you arrive at your house with pain in your face and stomach, which you enjoy. And then the game of conquest began without us knowing it. Over time our chemistry became more obvious and we only looked for excuses to spend more time together and what happened in the love stories happened, we became a couple and then the real adventure began.
A few days later he told me that he would soon go to live in Nicaragua (his family was moving their factory there and he had decided to go to support them) so as in the minds of many people who receive news of this type I immediately thought that then our relationship would be managed under a timer, and that like those cliché relations, I would have to take advantage of each moment together. (At this moment this song should be in your speakers “My heart will go on” from Celine Dion, because yes, love can touch us one time).
The date of his departure arrived, and of course I was already deeply in love with him, and I felt as I lost sight of him among the crowd in the line to document luggage, a pain as strong as if I lost an extension of my very own self, I felt what the great romantics call, “that my heart was broken”.
A distance relationship should be easy, I thought, we have many platforms to talk and see us even if it is virtual, we can see ourselves on vacation, Nicaragua is near, it is almost the same time zone, we will be fine.
And that day I cried all day, and I was afraid that what would come would be much bigger than me, that everything I knew did not help me, that it was not how I had been taught that relationships worked, it was not like any relationship that I would have had, so I had no idea what to do.
We started, as I imagine all of us who love people in different cities start, talking every night on Skype, we talked for hours, we could fall asleep almost online. I started sending him photos of the places I went, the things I ate, how I dressed, practically reflected my life in a virtual world, and we built a world full of jokes, eternal conversations, and intense love through a screen. Well, that’s how my boyfriend and I were, and what comes next is just my point of view of what I experienced at that time.
Can you imagine being in a relationship based solely on talking through an electronic device? No smells, no sensations, no skins, no holding hands, kisses that you do not feel, no caresses on your face, nothing, only you and the person you love looking through a screen waiting for the signal do not weaken and find yourself hugging a retina screen.
Nobody teaches us what it’s like to have a relationship at a distance, so little by little I became obsessive, could not go out without a cell phone charger, could not stand the idea of running out of battery and then he will try to send me a message or call me, I made sure to have all the internet signal, and believe it or not I wanted to make me feel so available that I even stopped going out, I thought the good idea would be to be in my house with excellent internet ready to have a call at any time. Of course I had a normal life and probably showed my most normal version with him, but deep down I was terrified, I had a terrible fear that the relationship would end, I felt magical when I talked to him and let’s be honest who is allergic to magic?
Weeks went by and so were the months, things were working and against many statistics we were still together. Of course a cybernetic version of me had developed and my boyfriend knew almost the nails that I had already cut, in a few words I sent more than 50 photos a day, spent hours checking if he appeared “online”, I stressed that he left my messages as “read” and felt I needed all his attention.
I do not know if everyone has incredible relationships and has an emotional intelligence capable of overcoming and managing any situation but this is how I knew the best and the worst of me. The obsessive that I could become, it was not just about my boyfriend loving me or not, but about my need to be available, 24 hours a day.
As I said before, this was my world, the world of Monica, not the one I had created with him, which make it much more complicated, how to exist in two worlds?
My boyfriend of course, as now, has always been a wonderful person, caring, loving, always an incredible source of strength and support, ready to make me feel the most loved and most special woman.
I went to visit him in Nicaragua sometimes, and every time we saw each other for the first time I felt a nerve as when you were on your first date, I was so excited that literally I passed the whole flight to the window counting the minutes to land, he came to México many times and the same thing happened to me. The days together were like thinking that you are going to Disney and that there will be no lines in any game, it sounds incredible, right?
But this time I do not want to just focus on how much I was in love or how happy and loved I felt, but on what went on in my mind when I did not feel that way.
It was very difficult, I was not myself, horrible feelings of jealousy appeared, I felt alone, I felt abandoned, and it was ironic because as with a switch when I spoke with him it was a world full of magic and unforgiving feelings, but I seemed that when the call ended all this darkness invaded me and although it sounds exaggerated, I felt crazy.
I understood that for me to be able to work, I needed some help, I’m not a fan of self-help books, but I still searched and just felt more stupid. I found a “cognitive behavioral” therapy that changed my life, and that little by little taught me that when something happens to me, I have to brainstorm and divide the action into the following. What happened (the fact)? What happened (according to me)? How did it make me feel? What effect did it have on me? and then understand that if my boyfriend could not talk because he was with his family it was because of that and not because he was partying in the home of some Nicaraguan Hugh Hefner.
And then I recovered, I regained the power over myself and there were no longer multiple worlds, I felt authentic, I understood that there was nothing dark in me, it was simply a manifestation of all these changes I was living, of loving someone with all your heart and accept that you have to be away and find the positive side and create a relationship at a distance requires a lot of work, attention, care, dedication, commitment, but what relationship doesn´t? And I understood that my relationship was like any other and that although for a time I was going to have to work through monitors and sporadic visits or long vacations, the day would finally arrive, like today, when I would wake up every day to to caress his face, smell him, kiss him, hold hands, and feel that eventually all the worlds became one and then yes live in a state of eternal Disney where you do not care much whether there are any rows, you’re finally there.
So this week I do not know if there is an invitation as such, we all have bad times and talking about them empowers us and makes us aware. Probably if there is an invitation it would be that you really live your relationship whether you are in the same city or live miles away, enjoy it, know yourself loving and know the person you love, trust, give yourself but do not stay without anything for you , if you need help, seek help, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be the best version of yourself. I am grateful to be where I am, to say that after 2 years of loving us from a distance we have been together for almost 4 years (the latest 2 seeing each other every morning) and we are a strong couple and I feel strong and every time I analyze the facts less according to myself and more according to the fact itself.
I love this song because yes, “Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul” and if you’re a fan of Ed Sheeran for sure you’ve already heard “Photograph“.
Ahí nos vemos!
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